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In Depth: A Look at How A Woman's Independence Affects Relationships
By Mybrotha.COM Relationship Editor
At what point in our social history did the foundation of relationships between Black men and women fall apart? Was there a time when men revealed the desire to be with women who are extremely independent, financially wealthy, and able to satisfy their own material needs? I can't think of any such time-period and it's probably because there never was one.
Black men have never wished for more high-powered female corporate execs with six-figure salaries. We never dreamed that our girlfriends and wives would own their own multi-million dollar businesses. Men seldom prefer women who are always working, on-the-go, or busy with projects away from home. Most men I know have never looked for a woman who is so independent and so self-sufficient -- that her needs appear to be met without any intervention from the male species.
Allow me to first point out that I am not "anti-woman" or sexist. I truly believe in equality.
I try desperately to follow biblical teachings, but I also feel that women should be afforded the same rights and given the same opportunities as men. There is absolutely no way I can condone the idea of a woman being made to lead a subordinate lifestyle in the presence of a man. We see these types of lifestyles and social arrangements in many Arab nations and often disagree with their ideology. Even though we view it as archaic -- right or wrong -- it is a snapshot of the world we live in.
In the U.S. -- relationships between Black men and women have reached a competitive standstill in recent decades. There used to be a division of roles and responsibilities in marriages (not all of them were fair) -- but that separation is no longer visible. More than ever, women are prepared to do all of the things men have been doing for centuries. In essence -- both men and women are competing on a social, financial and intimate level in an effort to better establish themselves.
I view this unwavering commitment to competition and self-gratification as a wedge separating Black men and women, prompting each to blame the other for the lack of stability in our relationships.
Placing all blame aside, I believe we should focus on bridging the gaps in Black relationships by exploring solutions and engaging in more meaningful dialogue. In order to do that, however, we must take a moment and shed some light on how we got to this point in the first place.
From an early age, boys are told that they will be responsible for the protection and maintenance of their families and homes. Everything from paying the bills and buying the food -- to physical security and doing small repairs. How many movies have we seen where a young boy is thrust into a leadership role after his single mother is no longer able to provide for the family?
As we become men, we are further conditioned to position ourselves in such a way that allows us to provide the things women can now easily get themselves. Most of those "things" are material possessions and won't necessarily sustain a long-term relationship. But what qualifies as a material item for women, may be a symbol of status, masculinity and stability for men. Everything a man hopes to become in life, is based on his ability to support a family.
Jobs, money, and power are symbolic and help us feel more like men who are capable of supporting our wives and kids. When those responsibilities are taken away, a loss of individuality occurs.
This lack of social identity starts after recognizing a woman's ability to fill the same roles men are accustomed to filling. It is further exasperated when we see first-hand, a woman securing those roles and being successful in them.
To a woman, she is conveniently supplying her financial and material needs in order to stay afloat. To a man, everything he knows about supporting a woman is not as important as it once was. If he can't give her the things he's been taught to give -- what else is there? If the line between man and woman is blurred, what is his new role in the relationship?
When we dissect the most noticeable differences between men and women around the world -- physical strength is probably at the top of the list. Outside of being able to lift a sofa bed... (which many men can't even do) - men and women are very similar when it comes to intelligence, emotional stability, cognitive processes, and the ability to love and be loved. In fact, if it wasn't for the stark difference in physical strength -- violence and abuse against women wouldn't be as prevalent in our communities.
Take physical strength out of the equation and there are very few disparities. There are, however, distinctions in how we are prepared for the world of marriage. Men are supposed to be able to obtain the necessities to support a family. Women are supposed to able to nurture and take care of their children. These aren't laws carved into stone -- but rather an idea supported by many and passed on to their children -- generation after generation.
After leaving home with the skills and qualities befitting a young woman ready for marriage, the streets were supposed to be filled with well-rounded, hard-working suitors who were prepared to accept the responsibilities of marriage.
But the skills and qualities being passed from mothers to daughters changed when the number of quality men decreased. Instead of telling girls to be physically and lovingly prepared for a good husband -- they needed to be self-sufficient and dependent on nothing, or no one. Even if mothers didn't teach these concepts, young girls began seeing their single moms endure abuse, mediocrity, infidelity, and men who didn't stick around long enough to take care of their responsibilities.
This was the hammer that delivered the crucial blow to the destruction of Black relationships.
It could also be argued that suppression, degradation, and non-support of women caused a rise in independent, self-sustaining women. The emergence of the independent sista has several roots buried in the liberal movements of the 1970s and prior decades.
Only within the past 80+ years have women been guaranteed the right to vote with the passage of the 19th amendment to the U.S. Constitution (1920). During the 1960s, several federal laws improving the economic status of women were eventually passed. The Equal Pay Act of 1963 required equal wages for men and women who did equal work. The Civil Rights Act of 1964 prohibited discrimination against women by companies with 25+ employees. All of these events were fairly recent from a historical perspective.
We could look at the independence of Black women as sort of a rebellious movement. But a more appropriate view is one of "sustainment." and self-preservation.
Women were being left alone with children, financial obligations, and insufficient healthcare. Many were jobless and didn't have the formal education to go out and seek employment. Instead of suffering and waiting to be rescued -- women began making the necessary changes to protect themselves and their children.
As an indirect result of the rise in independent women -- men have become lazier, complacent and even resentful. Some of us are underachieving, becoming more irresponsible, and look for women to bail us out in difficult times.
I know several men who steer clear of extremely independent women. They fear that these women may be high-maintenance, too self-absorbed, and want more than their husbands are able to give.
In their minds -- the woman has already accumulated the things men were conditioned to give, so what else does she need?
I am not recommending role-regression here -- (i.e. men work, women stay home). Black women shouldn't "date down", or settle for men who don't meet their compatibility standards. Women also shouldn't resist high-powered careers, business ventures, or neglect their financial dreams for fear of scaring off men.
But women also can't expect men to never be intimidated by their sudden rise in power and status. Though men accept it and understand it -- many will never feel comfortable with it.
It is in our nature to believe that we have the capacity to make a woman's life better. Men have always been cast into the role opposite the "damsel in distress," and that's where many of us feel most valuable.
Black men don't want women who are too "needy," but we do want to be needed. Women don't need men to take care of them, but women prefer men who can take care of them.
We should define our relationship ideas, communicate our desires, and look for balances that sustain us for the long haul. I think there is room for the merger of traditional roles with new millenium personalities -- helping both men and women satisfy their relationship needs and expectations.

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